Review by Dominik on November 11, 2024.

Impaled Nazarene’s single “Satanic Masowhore” is one of those rare releases that leaves you with more philosophical questions than answers—questions like, “When does music stop being music and become a violent assault on the human soul”? Had this single been dropped a century earlier, philosophers like Heidegger, Wittgenstein, and Russell might have been blasted into an entirely new realm of existential thought, or perhaps just sent into early retirement. But instead, here I am, trying to discern where “art” ends and “psychological cry for help” begins. But I digress. This is supposed to be a review, not a philosophical discourse, so let’s get to the heart of the matter.

When is art still art? I remember staring at Russian painter Malevich’s “Black Square,” trying to wrap my head around how a big black box on canvas qualifies as an artistic expression rather than evidence of a mental breakdown. The same question applies here: how much creative liberty can you grant before you recommend an artist seek professional help? But if Malevich could paint more squares—red, white, black—on various fabrics and call it art, then surely the musical blitz that is “Satanic Masowhore” deserves similar praise. From its delightfully disturbing cover art to the sonic madness within, this single is the perfect segue between “Tol Cormpt Norz Norz Norz…” and “Ugra Karma,” a bridge paved with the rubble of shattered eardrums and scorched brain cells. Which brings us to the next essential question.

When does loud become noise? A fair question, especially when your neighbors are pounding on the walls as the title track rips through your speakers and they start googling “noise complaint forms”. For Impaled Nazarene, that distinction is meaningless. Their genius lies in realizing that true recognition either comes through visuals no one really understands (see: Malevich) or through a carefully orchestrated aural explosion, just shy of vaporizing your speakers entirely. And, in true form, Side A of the single does exactly that, culminating in a literal nuclear explosion. At the same time making it painfully clear that Side B was going to need to take a different route—because their own remaining ideas just got vaporized. Hence, we’re treated to the cover “Conned Thru Life”, here in the version aptly named “Diabolic Penis Mix,” because, let’s face it, subtlety was never Impaled Nazarene's strong suit.

Which brings us to the next burning question: when does “funnily” stupid cross the line into just plain stupid? It’s a fine line, and Impaled Nazarene pirouettes on it, pants around their ankles. The title track features lyrics that would send a CNN ticker straight into a flatline of “beeeeeep”, meaning we’re firmly in the “plain stupid” category. But then there’s the cover of ENT’s “Conned Thru Life” on Side B. Despite the ridiculous “special mix”, this track actually teeters back towards “funnily stupid”. It’s a more serious affair, even when condensed into barely a minute. They say brevity is the soul of wit, and the song's creators, ENT, seemed determined to cram an entire philosophical treatise into 60 seconds of sonic carnage.

This leads us to perhaps the simplest question: when do 200 seconds feel like 300? That’s easy—when you’re listening to “Satanic Masowhore”. Despite its modest runtime (yeah, some British understatement at play here), the single feels “much” longer. The title track’s slow build toward utter annihilation feels deliberately drawn out (at least for 20 seconds or so), only to explode into some blasting madness and obliterate itself in a nuclear burst. And Side B, though fleeting, somehow stretches time itself, cramming a lifetime of drugs and booze into a singular blast of grindcore fury. The “Diabolic Penis Mix”? Well, your guess is as good as mine—perhaps Impaled Nazarene recorded it with their dicks hanging out for authenticity, or maybe it’s just a middle finger to anyone trying to make sense of it all.

So there you have it. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations: reading this review has probably taken roughly as long as listening to the entire single. And much like the single itself, you’re left both amused (I hope) and slightly disturbed (not my fault).

Rating: 9/10—because sometimes, you don’t need to understand art to know it’s brilliant.

Review by Felix on September 24, 2019.

When I started writing, I could not imagine reaching the 1.000 reviews mark. But as it became clear that it was possible to achieve this milestone, one thing was out of question: I had to honor myself with a very opulent output for this equally opulent number. So here is the bombastic, megalomaniac, exorbitantly gargantuan record that I proudly present: Satanic Masowhore (playtime: 200 seconds).

We know that Venom's early lyrics were full of strange women. They introduced "Countess Bathory" to the global metal scene, they were familiar with "Lady Lust" and they were always surrounded by "Women, Leather and Hell". But here the Finnish brigade of perverts strikes back in a merciless way. The fury of the Satanic Masowhore is on an equal footing with that of the lustful Lady and even some guys appear in the lyrics. The line "Necromayhemic gays, centuries ago they died" delivers an interesting information, doesn't it?

However, Impaled Nazarene aim for total chaos and destruction and this vinyl marks the border between music and noise. The title track begins more or less normally with some flattening, triumphant chords, but it does not take long until a fast rhythm supports the crude leads. The lead vocalist screams his strange lyrics with a deep voice. No solos, no frills, no gimmicks. The song almost ends before it has begun - and it ends, of course, with an explosion. Nevertheless, this can be classified as a song. The B side shows a less clear picture. Here we have absolutely crazy, unnaturally distorted and high-pitched vocals and the instrumentalists also present only total chaos; hyper-fast drumming and a sound cloud of guitars and bass. Yes, there is a basic structure, nevertheless, I am just listening to an overdose of noise. Somehow great noise, but noise.

Outputs like Satanic Masowhore offered pure nonconformity and made clear that the nineties could be interesting, even though thrash metal was in a comatose state. Everybody realized that there was still a lot of extreme music to discover. In 2018, the whore celebrated its 25th birthday. She is still a (somewhat strange) beauty and all I can say is: time flies. Even these 200 seconds have already passed by. And, allow me this self-reflection, I have written all these reviews instead of using my time in a more reasonable way. Maybe it's time to have a break.

Rating: 9 out of 10